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Once upon a Time…

I will make all my dreams come true!

Evolution – Dreams – Goals – Changes

Fairy Tales photoWhen I think back, way back to a time when my mind was still rather innocent and dreaming was somewhat more whimsical, fantastical and filled with wonder, it was a different path then the one I have found myself on for so many years now, that I wanted to walk.

I always had a love for creating worlds and within it bringing beings and situations to life that were far removed from the stark reality we live in.

Drawing images which shared my then child-like imaginations brought me much joy and telling my stories via the written word was a pleasure of mine that I hoped to turn into my Career at some point in my life. (By the way no, the image here is not one of mine, I cannot claim credit for it, but I found it so lovely and perfect for this post that I just had to share it.  I found it on Pixabay under common license.)

Before all the lofty dreams of so many different professions I might choose, it was being an Author as well as Artisan and with that a Story Teller that had captured my imagination and made my heart beat with glee. The idea of bringing you into a world of my creation and let you share in the wonderful Adventures of my imaginary friends held a special appeal to me. Due to how my actual life was back on those days, the often enforced loneliness I felt, it was those whimsical creatures who became my dearest of friends. Friends I could depend on and who would always managed to make me smile.

…. and then I grew up! Suddenly I was thrown into the Adult World of responsibilities, bills that had to be paid, a family that had to always come first, and I wasn’t even 18 yet.

I got my first job in a Factory on my 14th Birthday and now still finishing school, having home work to get done and working 6 to 7 hours a day to earn a living, there wasn’t much time left for dreaming, writing, drawing and I put what little childish ideas I had away.

Over the years and as I grew older, my dream of becoming a successful published Author who could make her living on sharing her worlds of dreams and illusions with the world, would pop into my mind from time to time. I guess I was just not ready to let go of it completely, but I quickly learned that even so I had self-published several books by then, there just wasn’t enough money in it for me to consider it as a living.

That and the little fact that now I was niched into a particular type of writing – my fetish stories and BDSM / Fetish Educational writing, which was not at all what I had wanted to do to begin with.

Oh and let’s be honest, even so my English is pretty good and I have been speaking, reading and writing in English only for the last 28 years now, I still make grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. If I wanted to break into a larger world of fiction writing I would need to find an Editor who would be willing to commit them-selves to the birthing pains of my creative works as much as I was.

Sure I had a couple of people over the time who were willing to give me a hand with that, but when someone does you a favor you can’t demand that they actually do it on a reliable time line, which became a big problem rather quickly. That was the fact even with my fetish writing and there was just not enough income from my writing to be able to afford to hire an Editor. Bills and other obligations always seemed to rob me of the extra money I had which I might consign to hiring a professional Editor to help me in my dream of turning my passion for writing into a lucrative enough profession to make it my full-time career.

One time I finally had enough cash put away to pay a literary genius who could take my work and polish it until my spelling and grammar was sparkling and bright. Boy, was I excited at the prospect! Finally, a book I could release without my constant biting of my nails with the always present fear that I may have butchered the language completely this time. Oh the fears and woes of an aspiring writer!

The Lady was handy with her red pen and quickly went about to strike, correct and adjust my manuscript until it resembled a impressionistic piece of Art rather then a manuscript. Only the dear Lady was so eager in her correction that instead of just editing the spelling and language as I had requested, she deemed it necessary to change whole passages and with that changed the entire vibe of my Story and the life’s of my characters. Essentially she rewrote the book until it suited her taste and opinions. I was devastated and not a little annoyed. This was not what I had asked for and now on top of everything I had wasted the money I had saved away for that project.

I have to admit that my temper got the better of me in this case and I threw the manuscript into the proverbial fire. Oh how I regret my impulsiveness, but ah the passion of my younger days.

Once again I pushed aside my dreams and goals of making an “honest living” with my writing and continued to write my Fetish Stories here and there, publish a couple of books, but essentially treated it as a much loved hobby.

I build my FemDom / Fetish online Realm and Empire, threw all of my energy and work into it, and left my writings of my dreams in much a state as one would leave a distant but fondly remembered dream.

My online Empire grew, expanded, and took over my life it seemed like. Before I knew it, I had pretty much begun to do nothing but whatever was related to FemDom and Fetish, Content creation, Sessions and so on. Perhaps that was the point when I asked myself in a moment of absolute and unwanted honesty who had become the Master and who the slave in this Empire. When you become so obsessed with anything you do that you literally forget about anything else and go for days on end without sleep or rest, it’s gone honestly too far. You have become a slave in your own Realm and sorry that was just simply defeating the purpose of it all.

I began to step back, slow down, dismantle and reduce, until it became manageable again and I no longer felt as if I was a work horse hitched to a bizarre wagon of my own creation.

Needless to say, when you run a rat race and slow down, others will over take you and soon you will run behind. That should have bothered me right? I mean I was used to being a Queen Bee, a Bitch in charge among many other Bitches, and wasn’t I supposed to fight and claw to retain my crown? Ha, not so much. I was never much for the whole fighting and clawing thing unless it was in the middle of a particular brutal scene in which I would do a take down, but outside of that I was always a firm believer in “when it stops being fun, it’s time to stop” or in that case “slow down”.

Hitching your Wagon and survival to a passion is always taking a big chance. Especially when it has to do with the Adult Industry and let’s face it once you become part of the sex worker world things tend to change a little. Ok, they change a lot. You can’t put that Genie back in the Bottle, it changes things inside of you and it makes you see people in an entirely different light too.

What darlings, did you really think it’s only you who judge us? Ha, we look at you and see all your dirty little secrets and hidden hypocrisy. Hang out with me sometime and let me talk to you in a totally uncensored way, and you may just learn something about the visible sides of sexual perversions that so many people don’t even realize they fly like a freak flag around them.

Ah and then came the Era of stubbornly beginning to make my dreams come true. Regardless of what some of you may think, building and maintaining an online FemDom and Fetish Empire was never my dream, that just ended up being what I was really good at and enjoyed a lot. It suited me since BDSM was my lifestyle as well, but as times and my life changed around me, the older I got and the more I saw the nature of people, the more it turned into profession.

The first dream I pushed through was what I am doing now. Full time RVing and traveling the USA in a sedate pace to explore the places I would never see otherwise and to meet new and interesting people who I’d never get to know otherwise. The Nomadic Goddess emerged from the fires fully formed and spread her wings to fly.

Lately so, and with more and more of my friends and family members dying off around me, I suppose I am starting to feel my own mortality more again. I have no plans on dying anytime soon, but let’s face it tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to anyone.

The question of what do you want to do with the rest of your life and what other dreams have you yet to achieve has become more and more prevalent for me again lately.

I am a firm believer in Omens and Signs. Stubborn as I am I can only ignore things for so long, and once again my dream of being a full-time and financially successful writer has been in the forefront of my mind.

Books are begging to be written and Stories are glamoring to be told. The old and slumbering friends of my childhood are whispering into my ears once more and cry to be given voice.

The skeptic in me says: “Idle fiddle faddle! Everyone fancies them-selves a writer these days, and the age of books is coming to an end. Who will buy and read what you have to say foolish woman?”

The dreamer in me counters: “Ah but these days everyone fancies themselves to be a Kinkster, a Fetishist, a Femdom or slave too and look I am still standing and around? I created something magnificent out of nothing once before, why I can’t I do it again?”

The realist in me proclaims: “Well you can try, but don’t expect it to be easy! There will be much failure and frustration ahead of you. Many rocky roads to walk, and many who will nay say you along the way, but if you are determined nothing will be able to stop you. Why not try it, just don’t stop doing everything else in the meantime!”

What a truly wise counsel I have from my inner voices and I agree with my realist the most.

Times change, and new adventures await. I’ll continue to record my wickedly delicious fetish Audios and offer them to you. I’ll continue to write my erotic Stories and offer them to those among you who enjoy to sit back and read as you become aroused. I even started a new place for them, since so many other options are closing down on me. Click here to find it and become one of my Patrons of my erotic Art.

I will continue to discuss, explore and indulge with you in the many fetishes and kinks that I love up to this day via my listings on Niteflirt and TalktoMe.

There will be more books becoming available in the short story format of “Goddess Bella Donna’s Tickle Torture Hell” available via Kindle and print via my lulu.com Store Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu., in various Fetishes.

All that however will not stop me to slowly and surely branch out into different Genre’s and hybrids of Storytelling for a much wider audience. I will embrace the creatures and characters – whimsical – magical – and filled with their own confusions, and finally lend them my hands so they may tell their stories and be heard.

Oh what an exciting time it is for me – at the threshold of yet another dream being born into reality.

What a fabulous thing indeed and in case you wonder why I am sharing this here with you…

The answer is simple, because this blog is about to undergo yet another evolution and will encompass my writers life as well. I considered taking it away from paymepiggy.com and perhaps make it only part of my flawedtreasures.com blog, perhaps even give it it’s own online mansion. Then I reconsidered and thought to myself, why not allow the little piggies to become part of the Journey and maybe just maybe make them-selves valuable to me along the way.

Perhaps among you little piggies – be that my fat little feedee piggies, my doomed piggies, the ever elusive green blooded cash piggy and any other variety of piggy – there will be some who would like to support my dream and help finance the time off I need to write the new books, have them edited by a professional who can help me in my endeavor and become a part of my brain storming process.

Who knows, put it out into the Universe and the right souls will answer the call! That I belief and trust in and so that is what I am doing. If you can afford to tribute little piggy and want to be part of my next great Adventure and become a treasured companion on the road to making my writing dreams come true, then make yourself known to me at goddess@paymepiggy.com

Until next time my fellow dreamers, seekers and naughty ones.

Goddess Bella Donna

 

 

Toxic Situations and Relationships
a bit of real talk!

Sometimes you can’t get out no matter how much you want to!

Toxic photo

Photo by srqpix

I had to think really long and hard if I really wanted to post this here on an Adult Blog, but considering this is a Topic that is very important and millions of Adults find themselves in I decided to break my silence and slap some illusions in the face here.

For the time it takes you to read this post I want you to set aside your prejudice on this topic and just read what I have to say.

I hope that you will never personally find yourself in the situation(s) I am about to bring up and that you’ll always be able to extract yourself from Toxic Situations and Relationships, but I want to point out that for a lot of people it’s not possible without outside help or at all.

It’s easy to talk big when you don’t know the circumstances that really surround someone in that situation and it is even harder when that person cannot reach out for help out of fear to make things even worse on them . Yes that can be an issue.

I am asking you to not make this about discrimination in any way shape or form because it is not meant to be. I am in no way trying to play down any other groups but I do need to point out some realities that so many of you either don’t realize or just don’t want to see as truth.

Be aware that I am dropping the mantel of FemDom / Mistress / Disciplinarian etc and come at you purely as a regular everyday woman. I am talking to you here as “Just Regina” and I am not pointing any fingers at anyone.

This is just a topic that really needs to be brought to the light of day and talked about, because it is our ignorance, our foolish need to think that only one type of person matters and that there is always a way to escape something that is slowly crushing you under it’s weight.

I want to point out to you that in the end we are all the same, and that there is no privileged group or gender when it comes to this type of thing to happen.

So again please hear me out and thank you for your patients. (Forgive the spelling and grammar mistakes I might make, because I won’t go back to edit it or I may lose MY COURAGE to bring this out there. If you have to ask me why that is you are not paying attention.)

Here goes….

Bad things happen to good people. It is not always something they have done to put themselves into a specific situation. Illnesses, Emergencies that can’t be avoided, Tragedy that strikes, are all things that can be utterly devastating to someone and wipe them out completely within the snap of a finger. Life is no respecter of “Titles” or of anything else. It really doesn’t care how good of a person you are or if you have done everything in the world you can possibly do in order to be self-sufficient and never become a burden on anyone.

I think it is fair to say that the majority of human beings don’t enjoy having to ask for help. Most of us want to take care of ourselves and oh so many have done a lot of things in their life they may not even have been proud of just to survive and not have to lean on someone else.

These types of things can strike anyone at any time and very often we struggle so much to get out of it ourselves that by the time we are forced to ask for help we are already literally drowning in the toxic Situation we find ourselves in.

We so often assume that everyone but ourselves is able to get help easily or that they are privileged in some foolish way just because we see them as a group rather then an individual. Nothing could be further from the truth and I could fill book after book with stories from people who are living proof. Your race, your age, your gender, does not protect you from bad things happening and being tossed aside  by those you thought hold you dear and were your friends or a system that is supposed to be there to catch you when you fall.

In some situation as I said it is impossible to reach out for help publicly because it would carry extensive repercussions in the long run.

Sexworkers (all of them – male, female, trans, etc) for one are often seen and treated even up to this day as dredges of society. When they reach out to groups who are supposedly there to help you they often get ignored or ridiculed unless they can be used as a Poster Child to further a cause. We all have seen this in action and it made many of us sick.

If you happen to be a Mistress (any title will do here) and you have to confess that you are on the ground and can’t get out of a horrible situation that is making it unable for you to even work and continue on, you are laughed at, ridiculed and told that you can’t be a real Mistress because a real Mistress is always in charge of her own life.

I will make one statement to that – You trying to tell that one to pesky little things like Cancer, Heart Attacks, advanced Diabetes, crippling Depression, Car Crashes that leave you unable to work, and hundreds of other things we have ZERO control over.  Do you really think any of those things care if you are a Mistress or the person next door? I don’t know about you, but it never gave a damn when it happened to me.

What about being undocumented in a Country with no way to become legalized because the law is against you on every front and you had to break the law just in order to survive. Do you realize that if you work in any capacity while being undocumented it is considered a Felony and a huge strike against you? Do you realize that if you are in the adult industry and try to legalize they come at you with “morality”? I have known thousands of women personally who were brought into this Country by men they thought loved them and had their papers stolen. Had Children with those men and ended up being forced into the Business because that was the only way they could feed them-selves and their kids? I even met a few men who were in the same position with a gay partner and couldn’t reach out for help, because once you are in that situation you are not the victim but the criminal in the eyes of the law.

These women who have Children won’t risk angering those who hold them under control or go to the authority because they do have to fear being deported. This women come in all races and it doesn’t only effect refugees either. Many men and women from European Countries and Russia are not as heavily represented as those from others. They don’t have those huge groups of support behind them. They are truly left to their own devices.

I have known women personally who have went to Immigration lawyers to seek help and get legalized only to be told AFTER 9 / 11 happened that if they even tried to gain status they would face deportation and to just lay low. That’s the reality.

Human Trafficking isn’t as black and white as you think. It’s not always what you assume it is either. We talk about the horror of slavery in the past and OH MY GOSH it was horrific, but it is still happening these days. WE are just not aware of it.

When we talk about BDSM enslavement it is a far thing removed from actually being enslaved to a situation you can’t get out of.

Let’s step back so and do something less drastic but just as devastating.

People stuck in a toxic Relationship because they are depended on their partner to be a caregiver or because they have Children together and can’t afford to raise them on their own. Because living that relationship would mean losing your children.

Being so deep in debt as a couple that you have to stay together just to make ends meet and put food on your table even so the emotional and mental interactions brought on by stress now has become abusive. Sometimes you really can’t walk away and it cripples your ability to work.

What about FEAR? We always assume that everyone has the amazing network of support, but look around you. Have you ever been forced to walk away with literally nothing in the middle of the night with nobody there to help you? I know people who have. Many of them ended up on the Street homeless because they had nobody to help them.

What about fear physically of being destroyed. If someone sees you as their property is and is an abusive personality they are not just going to let you walk away from them. Yes those types of people are really out there. Seen that too with my own two eyes with several people and in that case the women or men are too afraid to leave.

What about having been mentally abused all their life to a point that they no longer see themselves as worthy of a better life? You have no idea how many people out there have lived through YEARS of abuse and neglect and that is all they know now. It’s not as easy as you think to get over that and an extended period of overwhelming stress can bring it back to you.

What about being too old to start over again? Oh yes that is happening more than you think. The older you are the harder it is to get a job these days. Not all relationships started out bad, they turned toxic over time and then you are dealing with loyalty and honor. You feel honor bond to stay with that person especially when you have been with them for a lot of years. I am not talking about 3 or 4 years but 15 – 20 – 25 and more. You know you need to get away, but you feel obligated and you remember the good times and so you stay. Hoping they will come back, trying to make it work, but by the time you realize they never will only death will be your way out.

Finally HUMAN NATURE and judging someone by their background. You may climb your way out of the Shit that you were born into, but it only takes one person to set out to destroy you and dig it up and suddenly you find yourself once again fighting for survival. Why? Because all too many people are focusing on where you came from rather then where you are going.

WE have 100’s of affirmations that we spout every day to encourage us to get out of bad toxic situations, but that is just what they are… Words of affirmations…. YOu still have to be able to do it and sometimes you just can’t do it on your own.

So don’t be so quick to judge and don’t assume the person (whoever they are) did this to themselves or are happy being in distress. Don’t assume that the super strong person you see online feeding you an illusion isn’t struggling to keep their shit together. Don’t ever assume anything and if someone finally breaks and asks you for help, don’t be a bitch and turn your back on them, because guess what you might be next.

Thank you for reading.

Regina – The lady behind the Title.